My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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