Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i love accidental penises.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
