Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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