Pants 0. Shit 1.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
