I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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