why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
