The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
