You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
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