It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Randomize
