No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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