Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
