why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
