Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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