i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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