her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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