our cab driver is having phone sex.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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