you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
