There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
