May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
