On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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