just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
