How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
