I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
