how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
