i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
