how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
