Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
