I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
