I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
