Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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