God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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