well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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