While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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