Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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