Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
