He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
