need another drink. this is the easiest way
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
