My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
