I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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