What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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