I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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