I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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