I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize