hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize