Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize