Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
