i already hear my dad disowning me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
What a dumb baby whore.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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