Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize