Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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