Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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