Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
