At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
